The old man and the crow

The curve of a gentle creek generously shaded with willows and established gum trees.



The grass is well manicured and dotted with delightful habranthus flowers.

What could ruin this picturesque afternoon?

An old man laying in the shade of one of the trees screaming, "Shut up! I'm sick of hearing you!" to a crow that was repeatedly moaning his one-note song of longing and desperation.

Retirement living

Who can't wait to be retired? The sleep ins. The place you've chosen to die in. The local community of those who are with you and for you, given you are all in it together.

Every town has a $2 shop, a Crazy Clints, a Reject shop etc. It is, to my mind, a reflection of the types of items each particular community needs and wants, based on the simple model of supply and demand.

So, you can imagine my surprise as I wandered up and down the aisles to come across these delightful garden ornaments.

Mum wanted to borrow my glasses to look at them on my phone and didn't know what to say!

Needless to say, my offer to buy them for their front garden was rejected.

One liners

This post brought to you by the quick wit of my amazing mind.

Mum and dad's car is a danger to all those who enter. It auto locks when you start driving. As in, the doors automatically lock. It's a frikin' pain. Every day Dad says, "Can you unlock the door?" Today was no different but I had just unlocked it as he said it. So I say, "You've got to get a handle on things. It's open."

Dad laughs and says I'm quick. I said I sure am. Just ask Candy. Now, normally dad can't hear a thing but he heard that thing and chuckled.

Mum is dressed up wearing red shoes. I say I think you forgot to get changed from your slippers. She says these are her good shoes

Mum is wearing the same shirt she wore yesterday. I said, "Don't you have any other shirts?" She said it's not dirty so why change it?

At the cafe, dad ordered my croissant and coffee. I asked if he got it toasted so he quickly returned to check. When he came back to the table, he said it's nice that the cook remembered his face. I said, "So she should, you were only just there I second ago." He said, No, from the last time he was there with Ian and Denise.

Apparently it's church day for those who aren't catholic. The other religions get a crack. Mum and Dad looked in on it early after they arrived as part of their induction. Mum said were offered lamingtons but not lollies, which were also on the table. I said that was for the little boys in the back room. Dad huffed and said I was going to get them kicked out.

Bordering the entrance to the cafe are two pine trees in pots. They both looked the same but I'm sure they were just resting their eyes.

While waiting to leave after eating, some church goers begin leaving. A ward is pushing a guy in a large single lounch chair on wheels. He's talking on the phone. He says, "I can't now. I've got Merve. I'm bringing him back from the church." Merve looked out of it but he was chewing so slowly and meticulously. It reminded me of watching a cow. We don't want to get old!

But, in more uplifting news. Merry Christmas from the Marian Grove cafe!

After the cafe we go to Aldi and park out the front. After our lap we're leaving and I walk ahead and enter the lift and hit the button. Mum's already in the lift and a big lady huffs and struggles to push her trolley into the lift. Dad trails behind but slips his hands into the doors to keep it open. Dad says to the woman, "That's why you're in the middle." I don't know what he's talking about but quickly add it's because of the trolley!

Aldi look to have another hit on their hands (if their goal is to choke dogs that are barking too much)

Next stop is the library. Mum runs into an old friend. Dad goes to the loo. Mum asks where is Dad, to I assume the lady, as I was already sitting down, but watching. The lady says he's gone down to the children's section lol.

I happen to be sitting next to a carousel of romance paperbacks. Lucky me.

One Night In His Bed

Hired by Her Husband

I don't know how long we're going to be in there so I skip to the best parts.

Hmm, maybe the Mills and Boon contract says authors have to make sure page 169 has to include the good stuff ;-)

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I was up at 6.15 this morning and forced my way into some clothes and into the car.
I drove to the Sawtell beach again and strolled along the sand.
As I was sitting near the rocks sniping birds, this couple appeared above me.

But the shot of the day belongs to this one.

It's not 100% sharp but practice makes perfect.

I'm sorry for your loss

Dad comes out from the bedroom holding this battery operated radio. It's on and says he wants to hear the morning news.

It's playing what I can only describe as crematorium music and I tell them that. "This is the sort of music that I would expect to hear when saying good bye to loved ones. I can imagine sitting there watching the coffin go into the flames."

Mum says, "That's funny."

And, I shit you not, the news ends with a guy saying, this news was sponsored by "Hogbin Drive Crematorium and Funeral Services"

The climate's not changing, you're changing

I told Ma and Pa that the PM is having a holiday in Hawaii while Australia burns.

The topic of coal came up. I said fare enough if we export it but we don't have to use it because we can move to renewable energy.

They say as long as we have cheap power it's ok. I groaned and dad says, "how is using coal changing the climate?" I said I'm not going to waste my time explaining it and they both say good lol.

Expecting guests?

I'm getting dinner cooked for me tonight. It's some Mexican thing with chicken legs as the main thing.

Icebreaker

Apparently today is cards day at the Community Hall. I said they will probably have an ice breaker session for new people to introduce themselves. I asked what would they say? Dad said, "I'm beautiful." Mum replied, "He's a liar!"

And just like that, they'd be forever known as the comedy couple.

No, it's ok, I'll just lay here until I die

I forgot to mention that when Mike was here, he told us a story about him falling in the front yard. The volunteers that were around at the time said they weren't allowed to help him so he just lay there until his neighbours came around and helped him up.

What a time to be alive!

I meant to do that!

After playing the pokies at the Urunga bowling club, we stepped into the cafe for lunch. This is the normal routine.

We order our normal toasties and dad and I have cappuccinos. I don't have sugar with mine but dad does. Here's his:

Coffee and sea salt! Mmmm

Luckily he noticed and scooped it out before adding sugar properly.

🤪

Quiet! I know where I'm going!

That title would have been more accurate if I'd have trusted my own eyesight and the street sign rather than listening to 2 octogenarians with the eyesight of 4 octogenarians. We were leaving Urunga and I was going to follow the confusing sign on the roundabout back to Toormina until I hear the stereo screaming of, 'Not that road! The next one!' So like the dutiful son that I am, I ignore the road I wanted and take the next exit. Suddenly, we're on the highway towards Nambucca Heads, ie South. Dad starts raging but I enjoy telling him I was only following his directions. I deliberately ignore the first emergency U turn road while saying, 'I'm just driving the way you wanted' but eventually take another U-turn exit. Even though they're for emergency vehicles, who cares!

We get home safely, albeit later than we should have, but another story for the blog!

Neighbours

A couple of pics of the neighbours.

Is anybody home?

I'm in the process of vacuuming when the doorbell rings. Mum unfolds herself from her chair and meets a big hulk of a guy wearing a Rotary branded shirt standing there.

I disappear into the kitchen leaving Mum with him.

Mum says hi and he stands there grinning. An awkward silence ensues until mum invites him in. He holds out a little wrapped box, the size of a box of matches, and mum takes it asking, "Is this for me?" He stands there grinning silently.

Mum asks again and he finally says yes. His voice sounds like Brad Garrett.

Mum invites him to sit down so he does. After asking again if she can open it, he says yes so she struggles with the tightly wrapped paper around the box.

Dad was finishing off in the bathroom and, conveniently, spent a few extra minutes doing his hair.

I made a coffee and slurped it quietly in the kitchen.

Eventually, Dad comes in and say g'day. We find out his name is Mike and he's walking around saying hi to the new residents. He lives on the same road as them but at the other end of the Crescent arc. After a few stilted conversations, Mike says his farewell and leaves.

1 minute later the doorbell rings again. It's Mike.

"I left my sheet here." he says. On the table was his list of residents to visit.

He picks it up and wanders away up the hill.

And in the box?

A small penlight. Real helpful when you get a blackout and only want to see 2 inches of floor at a time.

OK Google, I mean Neil

I'm not the smartest kid in the village, but never let a lack of knowledge stand in the way of confidence and a loud voice.

While the morning tv bleated away, mum yells out, "What's Blexit?" So I tell her.

Then Dad yells out asking about a particular golf rule. So I tell him.

Who needs Google when you have the smartest person in the room (with access to the internet for 99.99% of the stuff I don't know.)

Breakfast for 2

I bought bacon yesterday but forgot to buy rolls to go with it. I asked Dad if he wanted an egg and bacon roll and he said yes. So off to the shops I go. I got the rolls and while there, I bought avocado, lettuce and yoghurt for tonight's tacos.

When I get home, Dad is slurping up some cereal and I'm like, "I thought you wanted a roll". He says, "I do, I was having cereal while I'm waiting." dafaq!

So by the time I'm finished the egg and bacon rolls, he's already finished his cereal and he begins to devour the roll. It was enough to bring on early onset misophonia. Because of that, I finished mine and washed the dishes until he finished.

It's beginning to feel a lot like home-mas

I came home from the shops and ma and pa are making new friends.

I'm inside now and they're already taking about catching up to play cards so that's great!

Back at the front of the village, you're greeted with a welcoming sign.

Then you arrive at reception.

Until finally, you arrive at their new home.

The back is small but cosy.

I just heard the woman taking to Mum saying she's been here 21 years!!

Any who, inside we have a nice looking place. There's ducted lights.

And fans in each room.

And a central air con unit.

The garage is tinsy winsy.

The shower/toilet/laundry is to be used by close friends only.

The kitchen isn't bad, you need to be strictly organised or the bench space will disappear under the latest shop.

The worst part is the bin situation. You get this bin which is emptied twice a week.

It's crazy!

Whisky

After the doc, we dropped into Dan Murphy for mum (and me).

Then a quick visit to Mum's bingo friend, Carmel, to pick up some frozen food she held onto during the move from Coffs. She has a dog named Whisky who took a shine to me. Carmel said Whisky doesn't even jump in her car lol.

Whisky

Then back home to cook up some already bought pork and vegies.

It ended up being overdone as I wasn't used to their cooker.

Be my guest

Being in a village has some perks. Well, by perks I mean you pay a fortnightly fortune and you get access to the local handymen such as plumbers, electricians, carpenters etc.

Today, Kevin was here to fix the toilet that was making a 4 minute squeal when ever someone flushed.

Now David the electrician is here connecting up the internet. Dad's lost the instructions so now David can't tell what the orange light means.

Doctor alert

Our 3.15pm appointment runs 30 minutes over time. Can you tell his excited we are?

Hoarders r us

After countless moves, this Australia Post Postcode book has continued to come along for the ride.

View from a hill

It's too smoky to get good sunrise shots.

And even back at the village, there is nothing to photograph. So here's a sound file.

Cicada

My sound app showed that the sound was 95dB - the equivalent of a motorbike.

And what makes that sound? Well, they are too well hidden so I found a picture.

Following feedback from a number of my subscribers, here's a better picture.

Buddy can you spare a dollar?

My attempt to avoid talking to ma and pa on arrival day and then surprise them with a knock at the door was thwarted when I see Dad smiling at me through the airport tarmac window. They might be old but they still were able to work out what time my flight was landing. Canberra to Coffs only has one flight so I guess I shouldn't call it gold star sleuthing.

The car park gives parkers 15 minutes free. After that, it's $3.50. Surprise surprise, the wait was longer then 15 minutes.

Dad fumbles around for money saying, 'i thought it was 30 minutes free' before I flip out my card and tap the sensor.

The drive home

Dad says he needs to get petrol as we speed straight past a petrol station. When he tells me which one he's looking for, I tell him we just passed it. So one U-turn later we're at the station. Dad fills up while I soak up the smoky Coffs air. When he returns from paying, he's about to enter the driver's side of a car next to me. I yell out as another crisis is averted.

The house is great so that will be another post.

But, day 1, and to no-ones surprise we're off to the club. Mum left her handbag at home when a visitor arrived at the house just as we were leaving and distracted us. I spotted her spending money. 

So, tomorrow is find an ATM day.

Dinner was delish. Chicken breast pizza with magnum ice-cream chaser.

Sadly, only one of these was for me.

Captain Obvious reporting

There was a lady sitting next to me reading the Business section of the paper. I side-eyed the article and read the interview with a Chief Financial Officer saying the most important thing in his job was to get the numbers right. Good one Captain Obvious. I'd never have thought of that. Here, take these batteries and put them in your calculator and get back to work.

I thought I would interview other career professionals and ask their top tip for their profession.

Gavin Norks, a pilot for a well-known airline says, "I think it's critical that I don't crash. There's a lot of folks that would be pretty bummed if I landed upside down".

Toni Warbler, a six-time Grammy Award winner said, "Don't forget the words. Otherwise the audience will have attended a very expensive karaoke night!"

And Penworth Sebworth, a 21 year veteran juggler for the Circu'-Soltare show added, "Don't drop the balls. Any shmuck can do that. It's vitally important to keep them all in the air at the same time."

So there you have it, some hot tips for those looking for a career change.

Canberra airport

It's appropriate I'm about to be visiting a retirement village. I'm officially at the age where airport announcements sound like a vinyl record being played backwards.

Check-in was easy. Deanne on the counter put me on an earlier flight out of Canberra due to a delay with my original flight.  I'm also in row 4, Maybe I'll see the back head stylings of some celebrity. 

Needing my own space means I have to use the disabled loo. Pretty much everything was hands free. Flush, just wave your have over the half or full flush sensor. Soap, just hold your hand under the soap dispenser. Water, just hold your hand beneath the tap. I held my hand beneath the paper towels and for a sec wondered why they weren't flying out.

A large groan just erupted in the seating area when we all witnessed a suitcase go flying off the trolley when the driver took the turn too fast. Luckily it seemed to be a hard case.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young Prince lived with his Princess in a shining castle.

Although he had everything his heart desired, the Prince was tired, cranky, and ready to snap. 

But then, one summer's night, an old woman rang the Prince and offered him 2 weeks away from work in return for 2 weeks of unpaid carer's leave.

Repulsed by her shocking offer, the Prince sneered at the idea and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by unpaid carer's leave, for two weeks away from work is still 2 weeks away from work. And when he said he would think about it, the old woman's gentile demeanor melted away to reveal a raging octogenarian.

The Prince tried to apologise, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she invited his older and less popular brother to visit, cursing the Prince to regret his decision.

Ashamed of his thoughtlessness, the Prince concealed himself inside his castle, with a mobile phone connected to the internet as his only screen to the outside world. The choice she had offered was truly an enchanted one and would last until the end of 2019. If he could request 2 weeks' leave, and have it accepted, he would earn her love and the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to have a raging nonagenarian beast call him once a week for all time.

As the days passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever approve 2 week's leave, at such short notice, so close to Christmas?